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From a cranky fat bird who spent several hours in premature labour last night

(73 posts) (24 voices)

Started 2 years ago by Mary Evans
Latest reply from fernandomando

12 3 Next »

Mary Evans

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*** BEGINNING OF FOUL-MOUTHED TIRADE***

To anyone who devotes far more time whining about this site than actually contributing anything remotely positive to it:

WHY THE FUCK COME HERE YOU UNUTTERABLE MORONIC TURDS!!!

If you think we're all out to get you, all out to keep you out, we're too topical, not topical enough, deliberately scoring you down, ignoring your subs, putting sub-standard FPs out just to piss you off, don't like the removal of posts that the man WHO ACTUALLY PAYS for this lot believes to be inappropriate, racist, sexist, Northernist, fattist, shagging your wife, eating your children or in any other way pissing you off then WHY DON'T YOU JUST COCK OFF SOMEWHERE ELSE AND DO US ALL A SODDING FAVOUR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I, like the vast majority of sane people here just come here for a laugh, to try to make other people laugh and am delighted to have made several actual 3D friends during my time here. So please, if you have just a few minutes to spare, DO SOMETHING WITH THEM OTHER THAN COMING ON HERE AND WHINING, YOU STUPID BASTARDS.

*** END OF FOUL-MOUTHED TIRADE***

Love and kisses,
Mxx (and baby, still within. Just)

Posted 2 years ago #
Scroat

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Take it east Mary. We've all got our fingers - and legs - crossed for you. Not long to go now by the sounds of it. Keep us posted!

Posted 2 years ago #
Mary Evans

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Sodd off.

(Just kidding Scroaty. Thanks for good wishes. Still a few weeks to go, hopefully, although midwife wasn't too sure last night as I left fingerprints in all the furniture...)

Posted 2 years ago #
The All New Jeni B

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Eeeek!! I suppose I should bugger off now then...

(Hope all well with you and LLM 2, lots of hugs etc. Keep us posted, xxx)

Posted 2 years ago #
Oxbridge

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I agree with Maz. I'm not so stupid as to do anything else.

Posted 2 years ago #
The All New Jeni B

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Maz, Mr Mary does know he has to include Stunts and I on his mass text-around when LLM2 finally arrives?

Posted 2 years ago #
saltire

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Shhh,there there there.....

Mr Sandman bring me a dream [bom bom bom bom]
Make him the cutest that I've ever seen
Give him two lips like roses and clover
Then tell him that his lonesome nights are over
Mr Sandman bring me a dream.

Night night fragrant one. Shhhh.....think she's dropped off now.

Posted 2 years ago #
andhrimnir

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5 stars - and "cock off" is a new one on me, but I like it.

Posted 2 years ago #
Mary Evans

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I just *sniff*... I just *sniff*.... I just want everyone to get along [bursts into uncontrollable wailing]

Mr Mary has suggested that late pregnancy may be affecting my hormonal balance.

He's dead now, of course.

And Jen, of course you are both there - Little Miss Mary 2 can't wait to see her Scottish fairy godmothers.
And Salty. Do fuck off. And stop making me laugh.
Andhrimnir - copyright belongs to James May. But I'm sure he won't mind if you borrow it.

Posted 2 years ago #
StoopyDeGunt

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Mary,

Don't forget to keep the placenta, and use it to nourish a young tree.

Forgive me if you're not an earth mother. It's the vibe I'm getting.

Anyway, keep going. Er... don't forget to breathe.

Toodle pip!

Posted 2 years ago #
andhrimnir

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I just googled "cock off". Perhaps I should have thought that through first. However, if you ignore the "Asian babe...." references and look at the Urban Dictionary definitions, future flouncers should "either cock off or face a cock off", that should resolve matters.

Posted 2 years ago #
saltire

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Well I'll be Fergied.She's still awake.Time for the big guns. Key of d please maestro..and four pints of lager first..ahem ;

Oh Danny boy, the pipes the pipes are calling
from glen to glen and down the mountain side
The summer's gone and all the fowers dying
tis you tis you must go and I must bide

But come ye baaaaaack when summer's in the mea-eadow
or when the valley's hearth is white with snooow
Yes I'll be heeeeeeere in sunshine or in sha-adows
Oh Danny boy oh Danny boy I lovvvvve yooooooooooooooou soooooooooooooooooo.

Posted 2 years ago #
jp1885

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Knees up Muvva Brahn,
Knees up Muvva Brahn,
Under the table we must go
Eeeye eeeye eeeye oh

Inappropriate? Sorry.
Best wishes Maz - keep me in t'loop!

Posted 2 years ago #
saltire

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I see. Maestro,if you please.Yes two more please.

Chim chiminey chim chiminey chim chim cherooooo
good luck will rub orrf when oi shakes hands wiv yooooou
oi don't know the words to finish wiv this
probably becaurrse I've been on the pi.......zzzzz

Posted 2 years ago #
Svendo

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Surely an appropriate song choice could be Maurice Chevaliers "Thank Evans for Little Girls"...

See what I did there?
I'll get my coat...

Posted 2 years ago #
jp1885

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Mary Mary, Quite Contrary?
I think my coat's under yours Svendo.

Posted 2 years ago #
AdrianJ

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Do you think now would be a good time to point out that there's only one d in Sod?
Unless of course Mary was refering to Sodd, the traditional Norwegian soup-like meal with mutton and meatballs, which apparently is now off?

Posted 2 years ago #
sauce

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God she's magnificent when riled. And pregnant.

(And who'd dare say otherwise?)

How pre-term, Maz? I started at 24 weeks for son and 19 weeks for his baby sister (Rikkor, you can leave now unless you want to read pregnancy woes and dribbly bits) so a long boring hellish bedrest wait. I reckon you're nearly there - and off to a head start not having to wait for the wee darling to bother to emerge.

Posted 2 years ago #
shitsu_tonka

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Top-rant that woman. I agree with it so hard my teeth are itching.

So when you're pregnant you can talk like that all the time, right?

May have to get myself up the duff just to experience this. Hmmm currently sans man though, any of you guys want to donate some sperm to make a Biscuit baby? Girl or boy I think Rikkor Puffin O'Farrell would be a great name for it.

Posted 2 years ago #
Mrblacker

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Hmm Shitzu - I'm single - but then any kind of offspring I'd be involved with would be a dead cert for either Ripley's Believe it or not - or the Armley Hilton

As for Maz's rant - all I'll say it's about time one of us got of our collective arses and said that.

Posted 2 years ago #
fernandomando

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What a fantastic way of making a point. My wife, who is Slovakian, will now be countered with 'well if you don't like it here, go back to your own country' whenever we have silly arguments about how many spoons to purchase from John Lewis, etc.

I suggest that, if the epidural doesn't work, you use the same argument to your soon to be born child- if you don't like it in there, just get out ;)

Posted 2 years ago #
brownpaperreporter

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Ive not heard of chat room ranting to bring babies on before. Perhaps a 21st Century thing. It used to be a hot curry, car journey on a bumpy road or a hard shag. Or all three. Just like a Saturday night round here

.... did I say that aloud! Damn.

Posted 2 years ago #
antharrison

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Hey Mary

Glad you didn't write it just after the anaesthetists told you he'd just run-out of pethidine.

Hope it all goes well and that he/she hasn't got a Harrison napper - Ouch!

Ant

Posted 2 years ago #
Mary Evans

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Hello kids. My Hindu cow-like calmness is now restored, despite a rather trying day spent in the high dependency maternity unit in Royal Surrey hospital as Little Miss Mary 2 decided to have another little trial run today. She is still within me and I am without hospital. We're both happier that way.

I really should apologise for my outburst earlier. But I won't.

Posted 2 years ago #
The All New Jeni B

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Glad all is well in the world of Mary. Have been thinking of you today, and half expecting that text from the lovely Mr Mary.

Happy to hear that you are still keeping your pelvic floor exercises going, and that LLM2 has adopted the cat/cat-basket position.

Keep well.

Posted 2 years ago #
StoopyDeGunt

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Mary,

Hope you're well.

Why not relax and watch Alien. I hear the alien birth scene is quite a revelation.

Posted 2 years ago #
Mary Evans

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Thanks sweetie. Thought we were game on today - they had a little warm cot for her and everything. But we need her to hang on in there for another 10 days so she can come along at home as planned. I'll try crossing me legs. Always up for something new.

Posted 2 years ago #
Mary Evans

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Wasn't that an unplanned caesarian Stoopy?

Posted 2 years ago #
Doctor Moptop

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Clearly, Mary, you need to be waited on hand and foot. Camomile tea, shortbread and some nicely chilled grapes. Possibly strawberries dipped into some warm Belgian chocolate...?

It's just what the Doctor ordered!

Hope all goes well.

Posted 2 years ago #
StoopyDeGunt

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Why did Caesar give birth? Is there something we missed about the Senator?

I think the toga is a clue.

Posted 2 years ago #

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