In a move that has been welcomed by water-based mammals but less so by land-based Chinese, Prime Minister Shinzo Abe has confirmed that Japan will move its focus from the persecution of whales to a more ‘normalised’ obliteration of homosapiens. By overturning a central part of their post-WW2 pacifist constitution, the Japanese plan to start enthusiastically trading weapons as ‘if there was no tomorrow’.
Following the psychotic example of the permanent members of the ironically titled UN ‘Security Council’, Mr. Abe hopes his nation can also enjoy the financial benefits of the ‘arms-trade reach-around’. This involves a) arming an impoverished nation b) repelling terrorist attacks by said nation and finally c) mobilizing your own army to invade said country. Japan’s excuse for capturing 3,600 minke whales since 2005 has always been a spurious scientific one, whereas trading in weapons of mass destruction is ‘definitely scientific in its origins’.
Meanwhile the humble Antarctic whale can go back to hoping that Norway and Iceland get a taste for the arms trade rather than exotic marine flesh. The Whales are said to be delighted that Japan will spend the next five years investing in drones and stealth aircraft but are slightly more suspicious about their uses for amphibious vehicles. A spokesman for Greenpeace cautiously welcomed the International Court of Justice banning Japanese whaling but said: ‘it doesn’t matter much if we are all blown to s@$t’