Nutritionists are now recommending an ‘infinity’ as the ideal portion size for fruit and vegetables.
“To be fair, infinity is quite large ”, admitted Patrick Lunt of the Medical Research Council. “But if you look at the graphs they show a clear trend – the more fruit you eat, the longer you live. We believe that eating infinite amounts of fruit will preserve life indefinitely”.
Eric Pickles has called for further research, pointing out that “most nutritionists are tedious, self-righteous pricks who didn’t get the A Levels for medical school and now want to ruin our lives. Pass me that pie, would you?”
Scotland was unavailable for comment.