Companies offered £3,000 to hire under-24s
The government is offering businesses a cash incentive to hire unemployed youngsters. The aim is to reduce the two million under-24s who are not in education, employment, or training (NEET). ‘It’s a great scheme,’ whooped a government cheerleader. ‘£3,000 is a massive bung. It will cover the extra costs of the minimum wage that we whacked them with at the last budget, and it will cover the extra costs of higher national insurance and lower national insurance thresholds. An
Trump declares that the Strait of Hormuz is "fake news"
"I never heard of it before," Trump told his audience at a rally in Ignoramus, Nebraska. "And none of my golfing buddies or sons in law ever heard anything about this Strait of Hormuz, either - and they're my Middle East experts. "But that might be because they're the kind of experts who shoot their mouths off first and look at maps after. "I hear people are saying that the Iranians has just invented this Hormuz place. They're saying to me: 'Sir, this is the dead Ayatollah s
‘Islambuster’ bouncing bombs set for Hormuz
President Trump is believed to be developing a range of bouncing ‘Islambuster’ bombs that will be used to clear a path through the Strait of Hormuz. His advisors, among them his Secretary of War, ‘Pistol Pete’ Hegseth, say the President got the idea when scrolling through the films on Air Force One. “The President found himself looking at the classics channel,” Hegseth said, “and he started watching The Dam Busters, a film he hadn’t seen since he was a schoolboy. ‘Hey Pete,’
Trump solves Strait of Hormuz flashpoint with a stroke of military genius
As global affairs become more surreal by the minute, Donald Trump's press secretary, Caroline Leave-It-Out, today told the world's media, 'In a brilliant masterstroke of military genius, the problematic Strait of Hormuz will be renamed. 'The President, as we all know, is an incredible war strategist,' grovelled the shameless yes person, 'and he has moved swiftly to sort out this matter. So this big lake thing, or whatever the heck it is, will be renamed to something more suit
US government tells Trump haters where he will be buried
"Since President Trump is turning 80 this year, we thought it appropriate to reveal where his burial site will be," said a spokes-crypt for the Federal Cemeteries Commission. "That is so people can exercise their First Amendment right, in the eventuality of Trump's death, to spit on his grave. "The location is the Strait of Hormuz Garden of Rest in Utterloosa, Florida - specially renamed to commemorate the place where his political career met its end. "Insulting the remains o
Trump shoots himself in the bonespurs
Donald Trump is undergoing emergency surgery in Bethesda Naval Hospital in Maryland, having shot himself in the bonespurs in his feet. "This is a common injury amongst Vietnam War draft dodgers like President Trump who suddenly get very brave later in life and start shooting off missiles at Iran," said a Bethesda hospital podiatrist. "In doing so, they deliver a high velocity bullet at close range right into their goofy, bone-spurred foot. "They also look like prize chumps be
Is this regime change?
As the world watches the US and Israel launch bombs, missiles and snarky text messages at Iran it can't but help wonder - will this bring regime change? It's a fair question, when you consider that the regime is threatening not only other nations but actively attacks its own population, killing citizens in the street using State sponsored paramilitaries acting above the law while those in charge strip the nation of its immense wealth. 'Yeah, if this doesn't topple Trump, noth
Trump warns Iran ‘we haven’t even called on our superheroes yet’
US President Donald Trump has warned Iran that unless they surrender unconditionally to his demands he will start sending American superheroes over to the Gulf to end the war. Trump said he would not hesitate in sending comic book heroes to finish the war that Iran had definitely started. White House sources said Superman, Captain America and Wonder Woman could be sent to the Middle East within days and the Fantastic Four and Spider Man would be kept on standby if backup was
Bypassing the Strait of Hormuz
The United Arab Emirates have offered to build a canal to bypass the Strait of Hormuz, and thus piss-off the Iranian regime big time. It will only cost a few £mega-squillion and will be cheaper, as well as easer & quicker to build than Britain's HS2 and could actually get completed and do something useful. No bats are likely to be harmed in the building of the canal. It's a toss-up whether the best source of funding would be crowd funding, Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk or a sweepst
Trump says "we'll see" about invading Sudetenland
"A lot of people have been saying to me: 'Sir, Sir. Why don't you drive tanks into Sudentenland and annex it?'" President Trump told a column of White House press korps panzers. "I don't know where they got that idea from, but we'll see. "They're saying: 'Sir, you could bomb it and then Jared could build condos on the land and sell them for a billion dollars. It'll be money in your pocket. "Well, I don't start wars just for money - except when the price is right. "But if a bi
