Sir Elton John is to marry himself in what is expected to be one of the most glittering ceremonies ever seen.
The marriage has thus far been disallowed on the basis that he is the same sex as himself, though a change in the law means the Rocket Man singer can now fulfil his lifetimes ambition.
"It's taken too long to get here", the chubby diva told us, "but now it's finally happening, it's a dream come true. I'm so proud to live in a country where the outrageously vain share the same rights as everyone else, and the full extent of their self-adoration can be made official."
"Knowing that I will soon be able to stand before the world at an outlandishly celebrity-laden event wearing a stupid wig and say "I love me" has only brought me closer to myself."
The ceremony will take place inside a specially-built solid gold effigy of Elton's face, where a heavenly choir will perform songs from Elton's best album "The Best of Elton John". Elton will then arrive via chariot, dressed as a Roman emperor, and be carried aloft by angels to the stage, where he will perform his vows in a re-written version of funeral hit "Candle in the Wind".
Up until the late 60s, being a self-absorbed twat was illegal in Britain, forcing many pop stars, actors and newspaper columnists to hide behind false modesty and sham charitable acts in order to conceal their true inclinations. Today, celebrity magazines have normalised self-adoration, and it is thought one in three people is a ponce.
The marriage is expected to be the first of many for egotistic celebrities, with Russell Howard, Leigh Francis and Morrissey thought to have applied.