Arthritic hard-man Steven Seagal has defended Vladimir Putin’s illegal annexation of the Ukraine as “just the kind of jape Vlad gets up to”. He told reporters “You people should leave Vlad alone. He’s one of the good guys. I know all about good guys and bad guys – the bad ones wear darker clothing and attack people in bars, one at a time so the hero can throw them around using aikido. To the best of my knowledge, Vlad’s never done that.
The actor was speaking at the press briefing for yet another improbable movie in which he plays an elite warrior chef preventing a terrorist outrage despite being visibly overweight and having some mobility problems.
“We’ve done planes, trains and ships, so this time we thought we’d do something totally different. I’m the chef on a National Express coach which gets hijacked by terrorists who want to use it as a launch pad for nucular missiles.
“The fight scenes are something special – the coach has really narrow aisles, which is great, 'cos they have to attack me one at a time. I don’t know why they never try to attack simultaneously. For extra grittiness we hired genuine customers as extras. The smell was terrible.
“Vlad says he’ll come to the movie premiere, which is going to be in Cannes. He’s asked me to delay it by seven months and three days – not sure why, he just said that according to his schedule that’s when he expects to reach the south of France. He had that look on his face, the one that says he's planning some mischief. Honestly, the guy's a scamp".