Skeletons unearthed in London’s Crossrail excavations are Paper Cut victims from the great pandemic of the 14th Century, forensic tests indicate.
Their skeletons contain evidence of the condition Mauris sectis. Records say thousands of Londoners perished and their corpses were dumped in a mass grave outside the City, but its exact location was a mystery.
“Initially we thought it was just the Black Death or some shit like that” said Professor Neil Cummings of the MRC. “But closer examination revealed the tell-tale traces of the dreaded paper cut, which is actually worse than cancer. Or Hitler. There’s literally nothing worse.
The finding is timely : next week is Paper Safety Week, a £6 million awareness campaign by the NHS to alert people to the dangers posed by the humble sheet of paper.
“Awareness-raising is all very well, but we urgently need more research”, said Professor Cummings. “Paper cuts are on the rise and as more Britons move from working down coal mines and in the North Sea to office environments, we’re facing an epidemic of literally epidemic proportions.
Experts have also called for a ban on the game “stone, paper, scissors” on the grounds that it might tempt youngsters into experimenting with paper. “We shouldn’t be glamourising this stuff. My department is calling for every sheet of paper to carry a prominent health warning ‘ Danger: May Cause Slight Capillary Bleeding’. It might make it harder to read what else is on the paper, but if it saves just one victim from a nasty cut it will be worth it”.