Hordes of tabloid journalists and a swarm of TV cameras descended on a terraced house in Ealing this morning as gossip spread that newlyweds Larry Lampton and Martin Bagley had called time on their eight hour marriage.
Shortly after midnight, the gay couple had delighted a crew from Radio 5 Live after coming third in the nationwide race to be first down the Town Hall steps. Emerging triumphant under a shower of multi-coloured confetti, the happy couple had joined guests and a throng of well-wishers for a celebration wedding breakfast at the Moonlight Tandoori Restaurant. After which they had paraded along the Broadway to a local park where everyone enjoyed a firework display with a 21 gun Roman candle salute.
Shortly before dawn Larry and Martin had arrived back at the marital home, at which point Martin took a headache pill and dozed-off in his armchair, snoring loudly. Whereupon an irate Larry smashed several pieces of crockery on the floor before taking to the social media to announce his forthcoming divorce. “If this is what they call married life you can stick it up your arse,” he tweeted to his 69 followers, all of whom were sound asleep. Within another hour, frustrated Larry had cleared out his underwear drawer, texted his innermost feelings to the Night Editor of the Daily Mail and changed his Facebook status to 'immediately available'
This morning, outside his indigo and violet striped front door, Martin Bagley, told reporters that his short marriage had been a farce and that Larry had only gone through with it as an excuse to dress up and show off. “I might have guessed it'd never last,” he scowled as he bit into a sausage roll. “That Larry Lampton's only interested in one bloody thing - and I'm buggered if I'm ready to learn ballroom dancing at this time of life.”
Meanwhile outside the rear entry to the property, red-eyed Mr Lampton, a 26 year year old hair stylist, accused his ex of making bitchy remarks, serial infidelity over several hours and hurting his feelings “beyond repair”.
“The breakdown of my marriage has come as a terrible shock,” Lampton wept. “After five years living together, I honestly thought things would change forever once me and Martin had tied the knot. I was expecting married life to be all about romance and weekends in Brighton – instead of the humdrum existence lived by ordinary people co-habiting. If I'd known yesterday what I know today I'd never have gone through with it.”
This is Barry Parfitt in West London, making it up as he goes along, for the Mail on Sunday.