In a move which has shocked legal experts, Max Clifford’s penis has testified against him. Lawyers have dubbed the case Penis v Prick.
“We’ve been together more than 70 years, and it’s been a blast”, the organ said. “Sometimes Max would try to think for himself, and I’d have to slap him down, but mostly he was a really obedient appendage. And his job was perfect : rich, powerful, with a reputation as a spiteful, vindictive bastard – I saw loads of action.
“Most of the penises I know go to sleep when their appendages are at work. Not me – it was my busiest time. I convinced Max that oral sex in the office was normal, and with his connections, what could go wrong?
“The other penises envied me. I met Cliff Richards’ penis in a tennis club changing room once, and he actually begged me to swap places. Don’t think the poor guy had seen any action at all.
“I gave evidence because I wanted to set the record straight about my size. Listen lady, if you’re doing the right things, I’m friggin’ enormous. If you look like the back end of a bus, I’m tiny. Don’t blame me, it’s just biology.