In a move aimed at cutting the country's £155bn deficit, the Chancellor, George Osborne, today outlined the Government's new plan to, "humanely dispose of the needy and less fortunate".
Mr Osborne explained that the swingeing benefit cuts he has recently made, when combined with the package of tax increases he introduced in the Budget, would, "make life pretty damn tough over the next year or two, specifically for those of us not of independent means".
"Having now had a chance to review the emergency measures we've introduced, and to assess the impact that these measures will have on the poor and disadvantaged of the country, then - given their dismal long term prospects - it was felt that simply putting the less fortunate out of their misery now, would be the kindest thing to do", he continued.
To test out the logistics of carrying out such a large and ambitious cull, a pilot is to be launched in the London Borough of Wandsworth next month. This pilot will involve relocating local authority housing residents from the Roehampton area of the borough, in to a tented village that is to be erected in the middle of Richmond Park. A team of skilled marksmen will then be deployed in to the park, in order to despatch their prey as quickly and as painlessly as possible.
"I realise that exterminating the underprivileged could be deemed a little contentious, so this pilot is to ensure that we can do it correctly and sensitively. The initial batch of impoverished to be released in to Richmond Park, will consist of the elderly, infirm and physically disabled. This will allow our snipers to get their eye in, and will increase their chances of achieving clean kills, when they do come to tackle more mobile quarry", said Mr. Osbourne.
If the Wandsworth pilot succeeds, the Government plans to have 600 similar schemes rolled out across the country by the end of the year. " By Christmas - if you'll excuse the pun - we aim to be hitting our target of 10,000 fewer prolls per week", said the Chancellor.
"In the long term, the savings derived from being able to stop benefit payments altogether will more than offset the costs of the ammunition used in the cull. In addition, there's also the possibility of opening up other revenue streams - like charging paying customers to take part in an organised Peasant shoot for instance. I'm sure that the plebs will go to their graves happy, knowing that after a life time of take, take, take, they'll have finally contributed something to the country by simply dying", Mr. Osbourne concluded.