FIFA boss Sepp Blatter today upped the temperature on the Ukraine crisis with an executive decision to slap a ban on poo tins during the 2018 World Cup in Russia.
Responding to savage EU travel restrictions on selected Russians, Mr Blatter echoed his own disgust at Vladimir Putin's blatantly offside annexation of the Crimea. “I don't give a sh*t how many footballers are suffering from irritable bowel syndrome – there'll be no poo tins on the touchline by the time we get to Russia,” he told journalists in Zurich.
Demonstrating his grip on world affairs, Blatter then spoke warmly about Manchester United midfielder Darren Fletcher. “Darren isn't a Nazi or a homosexual - and neither is he ever likely to play in the World Cup on account of being Scottish,” he explained.
“Nevertheless FIFA plan strict crackdowns on everything that happens on the borders of the pitch,” he continued. “Which includes illegal use of incontinence pads and bringing the game into disrepute by allowing poo tins on the touchline.”
Labour Health spokesman, Andy Burnham, immediately congratulated and supported Mr Blatter's statesmanlike contribution to the crisis. “Let this be a lesson to Cameron and his anti-European Eton cronies,” he exclaimed. “It's time we all learned to trust Mr Blatter's Russian credentials - and focus on the thrill of his vision to exclude poo tins long before 2022 Qatar.”