Tantric Tennis gurus, Nicolas Mahut and John Isner, have been offered advisory positions by the Coalition Government.
"The new age of austerity will undermine the current culture of instant gratification," said Mick Clegg. "Nick and John have demonstrated that Tantric Tennis can teach us how to harness powerful energy to achieve a deeply spiritual union with our partners and with the Universe."
David Cameron explained further: "We've scrapped hospital waiting times targets as they're just not spiritual enough. If elderly people awaiting hip replacements took to the courts - tennis courts - and knocked a few balls about they would find huge spiritual solace. The chaps at Wimbers managed three days, but we'll be asking pensioners to delay operational gratification for months. I'm hugely excited by the prospect."
Isner's initial response was to offer practical advice. "Vaseline Slide 'n' Glide Gel kept my balls in pretty good shape, despite the battering they received from Mahut."
The Tantric Tennis opponents are united in their support of Government policy. The Delayed Gratification Policy will be instantly rolled out across all departments including Health, Policing, Education and Transport.
"It's a natural extension of the British love of queuing. I can't see that it will be a problem," said Cameron. "But we've engaged expert consultants to demonstrate how to rally to the cause."