The UN Security Council has today ordered the Conservative party to stop supplying ammunition to Labour forces with immediate effect.
'We have been shown clear evidence that for at least the last three years the Tories have been helping to arm opposition forces grouped mainly in the north of the country, putting the careers of innocent grass-roots Tories under extreme threat' explained UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon. 'Just this week we have seen them undo the good work of a fairly well received Budget by tweeting ill-thought and patronising comments that just make them look like a bunch of arrogant, over-privileged tossers. This is in clear breach of the UN Arms Trade Treaty, not to mention being fucking stupid!'
Mr Moon went on to list a number of other examples that had been brought to his attention. 'First we had the top rate tax cut, then the pasty tax, not to mention all those U-turns. It's got to stop. Either they stop supplying such easy pickings to the opposition or we will have to take action, for example establishing compulsory public relations lessons at Eton.'
He did concede however that it actually didn't matter too much, as the Labour leadership appears to be utterly clueless as to how to turn all the ammunition to their advantage.