In a move which is sure to be welcomed by ‘hard working families’ and ‘lovable northerners’, the Government has announced that whippets, pipes, pints of mild and dolly tubs are all to be zero-rated for VAT.
“I wanted to show that we care about the hard-working, salt of the earth, decent folk” said Chancellor George Osborne, from atop his horse, Gladstone. “I know how important whippets and beer can be – when I was at Eton I had a boy from the village who came in to clean my shoes, and he loved his whippet. Should we include kestrels? I can’t remember whether working people love them or hate them – they showed a film at the Bullingdon Club but I couldn’t make out more than one word in three.
“We’re making bingo more affordable, and we’re looking very closely at shell-suits. What more can we do? The oiks will probably find something to criticise us for – not enough coal in their baths, or they can’t afford linoleum or something. Pebble-dashing? Poor people seem to love it – no idea why, looks ghastly, but show me a man who smells like biscuits and I’ll show you a man with a pebble-dashed house.
“Must dash, got a country to run and a fox to dismember! Tally ho!”