Following a plethora of socialist bereavements, newspapers have been accused of eulogizing ‘tree huggers’, ‘Marxists’ and ‘people who wear socks with sandals’. To offset the appearance of bias, media outlets running posthumous stories about trade unionists will be required in the future to fabricate details of how the deceased had once ‘avoided tax’, ‘enjoyed hunting’ and ‘fathered a lovechild with Boris Johnson’.
One Media expert observed: ‘People go all misty eyed over aged Trotskyites, whereas a decomposing Tory gives an impression of putrefying morals. It’s why Lenin gets laid in state, while Mussolini gets hung up like a fetid sock'. While John Lewis are already considering employing an orphaned deer, a stammering water vole and an animatronic Tony Benn doll for their next Christmas advertising campaign.
Fear that the current Crimean crisis could result in the demise of thousands of ‘card carrying communists’, needs to be counter-balanced by an equal number of right-wing fatalities. To this end the populace of Horsham, West Sussex, have agreed to commit ritual suicide and provide much needed column inches for the Parish newsletter. The Conservative Party is canvassing their front bench for volunteers to ‘take one for the team’, while Ed Miliband maintains his clever strategy of killing off the nation’s socialist icons to maintain his media profile. His manifesto offers to ‘euthanize the NHS’ with an enormous pillow in exchange for ‘a guest appearance on The One Show’, a subscription to ‘The Spectator’ and a ‘backstage pass to No.10’.