The Met Office has announced its most powerful supercomputer yet – and it’s a world-beater. “The Americans have one with a slightly greater capacity”, explained Dr Tom Bell, “but theirs works with turkey entrails, which are easier to analyse than chickens, but much less precise. Turkeys are fine for gross predictions – hurricanes, say, or huge twisters – but they can’t cope with the subtleties of British weather – they don’t even have a word for ‘spitting’, for example. And don’t get me started on “it’s trying to rain”.
“The UK Met Office will only ever work with chicken entrails – they’re the most reliable, most precise and also the traditional method of forecasting events. And it isn’t just the weather – for example, we correctly predicted the breakup of S Club 7 in 2003. Turkey innards couldn't do that. Look at Kennedy – he would never have gone to Texas if the FBI had been using chicken entrails. How the hell do you thing we kept Maggie alive for so long? Chickens, that’s how. Wibble.
A Met Office spokesman was keen to point out that no chickens were needlessly killed. “We eat every chicken we sacrifice”, he said. “At 1,000 chickens per second, the new supercomputer precisely matches Eric Pickles’ peak consumption, so it’s pretty much perfect, really. And the output we get from Pickles makes my roses come up a treat”.