A spokesman for Malaysian Airlines said that their missing passenger jet is almost certainly the result of either extra-terrestrial beings, giant bees or an inter-dimensional portal to another world…but most likely aliens. It is expected the search for the aircraft will be called off later today when the Malaysian Aviation Authority will unveil a star map an invite Dara O’Brien and the audience of BBC show Star Gazing Live to speculate on which planetary system the 239 people might be off to and then submit ipad scribbles of what their alien captors might look like.
The new ‘Director of Missing Planes and other stuff we know arse all about’ said “We can’t reveal the full details yet but we have already commissioned a Channel 5 documentary where the same blurry shots of actors doing stuff in a cockpit in slow motion are played repeatedly at the beginning, middle, end and before and after every commercial break while Sean Pertwee monstrously explains how the flight number is actually a secret subspace communication code and why the pilots name can be roughly translated into ancient Aramaic as ‘a, le, n’”.
He went on “We expect the abduction is part of some pre-colonisation invasion force to harvest the earth for free complimentary inflight snacks, maybe there is a massive shortage of Ramen noodles on their planet, who knows, we simply do not know…really we don’t know…we know utterly nothing…really totally fuck all”.
An expert brought in from the Channel 5 “documentary” team who specialises in conspiracy theories, people with more than 4 limbs, stuff disappearing and terrible things that have never ever happened said that passengers are unlikely to know that they are missing or even that they have now been in flight for over a week. “To the passengers it will seem like that Lost TV show but rather than being ghosts stuck in purgatory on some shitty island it will be like ghosts stuck in purgatory on some shitty plane in a holding circle to hell, basically the RyanAir Dublin to Dusseldorf flight.
“We understand the inflight movie was the Adam Sandler romcom ‘Jack and Jill’…poor bastards”.
Bit rough this and way too long but it will do, I will edit down if people like it.