People frequently ask, ‘Why does God allow this to happen’, but the reply from above is ‘Show some initiative, get off your arses, don’t expect me to do the lot’. The Almighty is said to be very depressed about the direction the human race is taking.
Previously God provided the Ten Commandments, but they are frequently ignored and He does not see the need for major upgrades every millennia. In the past God has communicated through Prophets and Holy books, knowing the current obsession with smart phones, God has now turned to providing hints on Twitter using #Jehovah.
The latest tweet reads - You need examples already, try Sodom and Gomorrah, I said no shirt lifting, but now you have legalised it, watch out for nasty plagues.
Yesterday - I have told you before, Cast out the Money Lenders, that lot at the Co-Op, oy-oy-yoy, good intentions at the start, but what a shambles now.
Last Week – You want miracles, find an honest politician, I will give you a miracle.
Following an exchange of e-mails with the Vatican, it has been deduced that God is satisfied with Pope Francis, but failed to see why the issue of priests and kiddie fiddling had not been addressed much earlier. He clarified that the phrase, ‘Suffer the Little Children’ was not meant to be taken literally. The Almighty has now given permission for breeze blocks to be used when they run out of millstones.
After intense negotiations with the major insurance companies, God has admitted responsibility for Tsunamis, Volcanic Eruptions and Earthquakes, which can now qualify as an ‘Act of God’ . Despite the fact that he made the universe, God has said that he is not responsible for Global Warming and the resultant bad weather. That he says, is a man made catastrophe, which needs to be sorted out at Local Government level.
Not all tweets and mails can be regarded as totally genuine, a hacker, believed to be an ex-employee known only as ‘Lucifer’, has been implicated in a boiler room scam. This swindle encouraged individuals to sell their souls in exchange for power and money. A hate mail from firstname.lastname@example.org encouraged the Taliban to stop educating women since it was a lost cause, as they knew the lot already.