When Molly, a nine year old and harmless British bulldog from Stockport passed away last week, its owner Arnold Morrison had little appreciation as to the full impact of its departure on the wider family and the global economy.
“She was a lovely dog and always bounded down the drive to greet me” said Postman Bob Pritchard from his hospital bed “ Whenever I parked my trolley over the road from her house, her owner always used to open the front door and shout “She’s harmless” as she started her Olympic-style acceleration towards me. I used my red postal sack as a matador’s cloak to try and deflect her but always seemed to end-up in A&E as I later discovered she was colour blind, and also a bit thick.”
Energy-switch salespeople were another of Molly’s perceived great friends but somehow were always delighted that Mr Morrison managed to stop the ferocious-looking 50 Kg animal from crashing through the porch window when the doorbell rang by dashing from his desk and restraining the clumsy but harmless animal. Mr Morrison was “Disappointed that despite my shouting that ‘Molly the Vicious Killer Bulldog who will dance on your grave and doesn’t like strangers like you’ resulted in no salespeople or street hawkers taking-up his kind offer to discuss money saving deals over a cup-of-tea and reckons he has lost about £2m as a result.” He will be pursuing claims via the various ombudsmen and professional associations including the 2mm Tarmac Council.
Following Molly’s departure shares in Tesco and Marks and Spencer took a steep downturn, with executives citing declines in sales of rotisserie chicken, salmon, cheese and organic eggs as the main reasons. Molly’s owner declined to comment on the retailers’ position but confirmed that he had signed contracts on a new villa and yacht in Monte Carlo.
Venture capitalists also cancelled further investment in the “Molly Moothane” recyclable energy plant which was able to turn processed chicken, salmon, cheese and organic eggs into environmentally friendly energy sources once the noxious gasses had been removed and sent by the carefully trained dog in the general direction of her owner's mother in law”.