The leading high street opticians Specsavers launched their new range of glasses to a packed press conference yesterday afternoon. Named the “Specs Appeal” designer range, but known within minutes among the audience as “beer goggles”, their main feature is that they can make almost anyone seem attractive when viewed through the revolutionary new lenses.
After an initial presentation Managing Director, Doug Perkins, invited members of the press corps to try out the spectacles on guests Lembit Opik and Susan Boyle. Chaos reigned and it was several minutes before order was restored and Ms Boyle was able to cover her modesty.
After calling for calm, Mr Perkins said, “You can see that this is a major breakthrough for the plain and the plain ugly. It gives everyone the chance of a serious sexual upgrade from “Not if you were the last person on Earth” to “Phworah!”
Available as spectacles, contact lenses and cool sunglasses, Mr Perkins said the glasses would only be available after a full eye test from a fully qualified sexoptometrist. “As with conventional specs, the new range comes in various strengths according to the prescribed desperation level of the patient. If, for instance, a male patient haven’t had it for a while they may simply need the “Sarah Jessica“; whilst at the other end of the scale the “Widdecombe” could be dispensed.”
Working alongside the optical development team, other boffins have been working on additional applications for the new specs. Already in the pipeline is the app which makes even the dullest person’s chat up lines sound deep and alluring. This replaces the app which gave people an irresistible aroma which was banned by the Metropolitan Police on the grounds that “we can’t have people shagging tramps everywhere.”
Mr Perkins concluded his presentation extolling the health benefits of the new product “The beauty of the design is that the user won’t need to consume alcohol so they won’t suffer from a hangover,” adding “so the following morning you can quickly assess the situation, gather your discarded clothes and make a hasty exit.”