Pretentious cooks throughout the land were united today in their condemnation of Laura Cunliffe, who microwaved a cat in revenge for eating her pet goldfish. While fourteen weeks of imprisonment may seem a proportional punishment for animal cruelty, there is a wider concern that this does not tackle the culinary faux pas of treating this delicious feline ‘like a frozen lasagne’.
An unimaginative fast-food culture, a period of austerity and one too many ‘bush-tucker trials’ have been blamed for people serving ‘unseasoned’ pets to their nearest and dearest. One Michelin-starred chef explained: ‘A well prepared cat should be so tender the meat just falls off the bone. Sticking it in the microwave is simply shocking. You lose all the nutritional value, the texture and goodness knows which wine you can serve it with!’
While the annual carbon footprint of your average Aga is over four tons, it has not curtailed wealthy environmentalists from installing them in their homes. One Eco-warrior who preferred to remain nameless said: ‘After jetting around the globe to save endangered species, you start to realise you are doing more harm than good. After that it’s a slippery slope. And,’ he admitted, ‘there is an excess of domestic animals, after all. It would shame not have a little nibble. Nobody is going to miss the odd cat or dog. It’s not like I’m sticking a panda under the George Foreman grill. With the right oven I hear Nigella Lawson can prepare an unctuous pussy with an accompanying double entendre that will make your mouth water.’