Simon Cowell has confirmed press speculation that Cheryl Cole will this year be returning to the ailing talentless TV show, the X factor.
Cowell,54, decided to bring in Cole on the assumption that her accent would be no more annoying than the crap that comes out of the mouth of the sharmazing Kelly Rowland, and anyway it doesn't come across so badly when she mimes.
Cole, 30, is delighted to be back in the limelight. She said "I did think he wanted me as a judge again, but now it is clear he wants me as a contestant, I guess every hole's a goal when you are down on your luck, pet, so I agreed."
Bookmakers are dismissing her chances of winning as negligable, offering odds of 50/1 if she mimes to her old hits, with money back if she actually sings.
Cowell is thought to have said that after the birth of his child it would be nice to see a bit of totty without stretch marks, so he will fix it that she is not voted off for at least 3 weeks on the condition she shows him her tattoos.