America’s National Rifle Association is said to be “outraged” by the recent advertisement by a weapons firm showing a timelessly beautiful murder instrument being held by some gay Italian statue. They have urged Florence’s Accademia Gallery to get rid of the statue and destroy the evidence before too many naïve rifle fans are unwittingly exposed to culture.
“We are proud of our history of blood lust and artistic ignorance, and don’t wish to see it violated” a spokesman for the NRA said. “This is quite clearly the work of some desperate Italian opportunist hoping to make his statue-thingy seem more impressive and relevant to contemporary society than it is by putting it next to such a beautiful piece of machinery.”
It’s been claimed the advert jeopardises the aesthetic value of death-traps, some commenting on the sculpture’s “faggoty long hair” and expressing fears that rifles will now be associated with poncey gallery-goers and the creative potential of man rather than the mindless slaughter of the innocent.
Many go as far as to claim the inherent sophistication of Michalangelo’s David has ruined the image they have of holding a gun.
“Instead of holding the thing it looks like he’s tenderly caressing some other gay dude” an enraged weapons enthusiast complained. “When I’m out there killing things for fun is that really the image I want in my head? The beauty of the human body? Butt sex? If people want to create art and take on the complexities of the human condition in the privacy of their own homes, fine. But to then put it in a public advertisement I have to see to know which murder weapon to want? It goes against my constitutional and heterosexual rights.”
Furthermore, some have taken issue with the advert’s sub-text, claiming it shockingly suggests unnecessarily large and ostentatiously deadly firearms are some sort of phallic-compensation.
“I’m totally fine with the size of my penis!” declared one rifle fan after no one had asked.