Some leading scientists are warning that contact with broken skin with an infected newspaper recently held by another person with AIDS, with broken skin, could cause children and the elderly to catch AIDS.
"The pictures and the editorial content may be fine, but it's highly likely that the paper itself is a harbinger for some of the most deadly viruses known to man, some of which have no known cure."
The Centre for Tropical Diseases in London were asked as to the most virulent of such diseases and told us that the Ebola Virus could be passed in this way, as could Yellow Fever and even Bubonic Plague, which is still occasionally reported in 2014.
Smaller scale issues, though potentially lethal, were also highlighted as being a risk.
Alexander Daniels of Reading University agrees, "What if old Jimmy Fuckface has a repugnant shit while reading a copy of Metro, or the Daily Mail, at Euston Station, and then steps onto the 0753 to Guilford. Now, has he washed his hands properly, at 60 degrees and with a recommended soap or disinfectant? Chances are, he has also just scratched his balls or picked his nose, again, portals of delight for germs and bacteria. And you have a crafty read of that newspaper when he's left it behind, and you become a walking timebomb."
There are calls from some quarters to cease the production of newspapers with immediate effect, citing not only the environmental benefits and the cost to the taxpayer of knee-jerk wankery that results from every irresponsible headline, but also because they are filthy sheets of fly paper just lying around in every populated waiting area or transport system structure and most likely cost the NHS upwards of £344m a year.