The first fruits of the FA Commission set up to revitalise English football were in evidence today as the results of the Opta statistics for the North Wilts Junior League’s Under 8 division were published. The FA believe that statistics of this kind will establish the areas where they should focus their fitness and skills training. For example:
- Highworth Colts led the league in foul throws with 164, averaging 14.9 per match or 23.4 per player.
- Josh Morgan of Shaw FC had the most stoppages to tie his shoelaces with 25, eight more than closest rival Connor Stevens who discovered ‘double knotting’ mid way through the season.
- Youngster Harry Thomson from Ashton Keynes led the league in yards covered with an astonishing 7,276 metres, although he has yet to touch the ball.
- Swindon Centurions manager Fred Dopplethwaite topped the foul language stats with 7 ‘F’s and one straight ‘C’.
Following the success of this trial the FA is now planning to bring in professional hypnotists to convince the young lads that they are Lionel Messi. This has caused some concern amongst the parents, especially those who don’t speak Spanish.