A cockroach took the stand today to give evidence in the trial of South African athlete Oscar Pistorius. The roach told a hushed courtroom how it lay cowering on the floor under a restaurant table while Pistorius wielded a loaded gun, before firing a shot which narrowly missed the insect's body but took off both of its rear legs. The shooting left the inspect unable to scurry, and it had to be helped on and off the stand, clinging to a small portion of left-over lasagne from the court restaurant.
"It was quit a normal evening, I had been out shopping to get what I could for myself and my family," explained the roach.
"Then I arrived at that fateful table. I did a quick count of legs and realised I was probably under Pistorius's table. We'd all seen him in the restaurant before. But this didn't perturb me, as until that night I was a massive Pistorius fan, even though a month earlier he'd squashed a couple of my mates with his blades, which I'd taken to be an accident.
"But on this occasion it looked like he was taking deliberate aim. I scurried left and right, then there was an explosion, then there was a hole in the lino, big enough to put your head in, a smell of cordite and two of my legs were missing."
"It's ironic that this man, a famous athlete whose on trial for murder, should have gotten sponsorship to pay for his hi-tech blades yet I, an innocent victim with 400 kids, guilty of nothing more than spreading a bit of tropomyosin, get no such help," the cockroach commented.