DIRTY DEEDS DONE DIRT CHEAP
Kuala Lumpur at midnight can be a magical place. The world famous Petronas Twin Towers dominate the cityscape from miles around, but closer to the ground not far from the towers the city's Chinatown markets are still thronged with western tourists haggling over the price of a fake watch or football kit.
In this football mad city where Liverpool and Manchester United fake shirts outsell all others there is a seedier side as always where making money is concerned.
It is only 24 hours since Alex Ferguson announced that he would be retiring at the end of the current season and that David Moyes, formerly of Everton FC, would be replacing him.
Almost immediately the 'fake' market went into overdrive with sweat shops staffed by destitute ex pat Welshmen quickly turning their hand to new ranges of Moyes keyrings, pencil sharpeners,watches and of course scarves and shirts all featuring the image and new club colours of Moyes.
Manchester United here are big business and the bootleggers are already exploiting both tourists and local Manchester United fans with cheap n' nasty products.
While investigating the fake memorabilia industry I came across an altercation between three local United fans and a market trader who were engaged in a heated argument over something they had bought earlier in the day.
The three locals were all slight effeminate men, typical of the Utd fanbase here who, it transpired had spent over 300 RM ( approx £65), no small sum in Malaysia, on a FILF love doll that are all the rage here.
None of the men wished to be named, so we'll call them Tom, Dick and Harry, but all were desperate to tell their story as a warning to other Man Utd fans.
For those not in the know, FILFs (Footballers I'd Like To Fuck) are a range of male sex dolls sold openly around Asia and prove popular with locals and foreign visitors alike.With the news that Moyes had suddenly been elevated into a worldwide 'face' the first 'Lady Moyes' & 'Moy Toys' soon hit the market stalls and other plusher sex stores in the city. I'll let Dick take up the story.
'We are three friends from the north of Malaysia, close to the Thai border. We all saved our wages for months to come for a dirty weekend in the big city hoping to have some fun maybe with the fat Germans that are everywhere. We are all of course huge Man Utd fans and when we heard the news that Alex was gone and that lovely ginger haired David was the new man we just had to come down to Chinatown and see if there was a new FILF available'
Indeed there was. It was a no brainer for the boys who quickly agreed to split the cost of the doll three ways before skipping back to their hostel room to entertain the new Utd manager. Harry, who doesn't speak much English takes up the story:
'Fuck shit......here...fuck shit..look me....here...look me this...fuck shit....not look for like David Mooys...fuck shit'
Dick was clearly upset with the quality of the doll in the box, and the fact that it didn't much look like David Moyes. These country boys had been duped good and proper, in Dicks case he also appeared to have had some physical damage to his genitals caused by the cheap shoddy product.
Despite their protestations to the stall holder it was clear that the adage 'buyer beware' works as well here as it does anywhere else in the world as no refund was made to them.
It was hard not to feel sorry for the three of them as they silently and somewhat sheepishly trudged away through the market carrying their Moy Toy doll with them as other stall holders jeered and heckled them.
It wont be long I suspect before FILF's are available in the UK and my investigations revealed an already healthy mail order market between Asia and Manchester.
It isn't however just the street traders of Kuala Lumpurs Chinatown who are raking in Dollars and Sterling from overseas sales.
The stallholder pointed me in the direction of a plusher sex emporium away from the noise and smell of the street market. A few hundred yards away I was shown into a brightly lit modern sex shop by a doorman who looked like a bandit from a Chinese film. Inside the walls were stocked full of various sex toys of every colour shape and size. I asked the sales assistant about FILFs and other football related playthings.
'Manchester United players are very popular so anything with the club crest on or a picture of their players always sells well. For instance, the 'wanky hanky' is a piece of cloth with a picture of Alex Ferguson which has been silk screen printed, they cost nothing to make but we sell thousands of them every year to the fans for shit loads of money'
I asked if David Moyes products were selling well considering they were all brand new :
'Oh yes, already we have sold over 200 Lady Moy dolls, the deluxe model with a three speed arsehole, we have had them for years, no fucker wanted them, but now, we have repackaged them in utd colours, stuck a moody Man Utd crest on the box and hey presto..instant cash from Manchester'
As I wandered around the store I was amazed and in some cases shocked at some of the products on display, there was of course 'The Webby' ( a large vibrator shaped like a well known referee) one of the all time best sellers in the Manchester United section which continues to sell hand over fist. One of the most expensive items on display was a full sized cyber skin love doll of former manager Alex Ferguson, featuring three holes and a cord in the neck, which I am told, pulling and releasing it when you are back scuttling Alex will cause a microchip inside to play one of a series of quotes from the obnoxious old bastard. I gave the cord a pull and was treated to a thrice repeated 'I'm coming, I'm coming..no doubt about that' This caused the assistant to giggle 'He always says that'
It had certainly been an eye opening expose into the nefarious world of fake FILFs, dodgy vibrators and the gullibility of Manchester United fans worldwide.Before leaving and after seeing their most expensive item, the cyber skin Alex doll, I enquired as to the cheapest item that could be purchased for my Manchester United chums back in Blighty.......and that is how I came to own a pack of three multi coloured Nicky Butt Plugs for less than 40p.