In a move guaranteed to further cement their place as Britain's leading retailer of absolutely everything, Tesco have announced that they will begin selling slaves (winningly rebranded as “domestic volunteers”) in the New Year. A press statement released by the company says: “We've taken our well known 'every little helps' concept and expanded it to 'little helpers' too!” Questioned on this, a spokesman said that this did not indicate anything about the likely size or age of the volunteers and denied that a “one size fits all” methodology would be used. “We want all our customers to have exactly what we want to sell them”, the spokesman said, adding that “we've been using these 'volunteers' to make our clothes for years, so it makes sense to bring them front and centre in our retail operations.”
Recruitment, storage and transport problems are said to have been addressed and Tescos said that these functions have been outsourced to companies in Bristol and Liverpool who have “great experience in these markets”.
An article in all newspapers yesterday condemning the move as “cynical and racist” was roundly rejected by the Tesco board today, saying that “we will use volunteers of any gender, race or creed. We have a continuing commitment to the Tesco tradition of selling anything to anyone at maximum profit. Also, there's some money we don't have yet.”
Sainsbury's have issued a blanket denial that they are interested in getting into the market, but the Co-op were said to be exploring a “Fair trade and organic option”.
Nick Griffin is 51.