David Cameron and Barack Obama have today ruled out the possibility of taking any military action in Ukraine, on the grounds that Russia definitely does have Weapons of Mass Destruction.
‘We don’t need to send in Hans Blix to justify anything this time’ explained the Prime Minister. ‘People may have been expecting us to do something as the situation could jeopardise our supply of natural gas, a bit like the oil in Iraq, but Putin could send some WMDs over to London in well less than 45 minutes, so we’re just going to express our dissatisfaction and condemn him from afar. I’m sure that will do the trick. Diplomacy is the best way, isn’t it?’
President Obama echoed Mr Cameron’s words, adding ‘I understand that this might seem to be the exact opposite of our justification for going into Iraq, but this is completely different – this time we’re shit-scared. I’m also sure the American people don’t want us to enter a conflict with a country they’ve actually heard of. Unless it’s France of course. Are they doing anything dodgy? Does that matter?’