Ukraine has the capability to wipe out the whole of Russia in less than twenty minutes, according to newly appointed Russian Defence Minister, Alxandr Campblov.
At a press conference at the Kremlin today, Campblov read from an old and dog-eared dossier from Soviet intelligence in the 1980s which, he said, confirmed that Ukraine had significant nuclear capabilities.
"A nuclear test in Ukraine, in 1986, resulted in a devastating explosion which caused huge levels of damage and has resulted in some parts of the country remaining uninhabitable due to continued high radiation levels", he said. "If they had the technology to do this in 1986, just think what they can do now. We're all lucky to still be alive."
The report also makes claims that, during the 1980s, Ukraine possessed the capability to manufacture, store and launch huge numbers of nuclear weapons. Russia has also claimed to have recent aerial photographs which show significant numbers of missile launch silos dotted throughout Ukraine, and claim that there are many more silos which they have not been unable to locate as "we can't remember where we put them."
Although many Russians have welcomed Campblov's comments, some are concerned about his sudden appearance which appears to be linked to trying to justify an apparently illegal invasion of another country, and rumours abound that he may not even be Russian.
However, Campblov has responded to these accusations with anger. "How dare you question my connection to the Motherland!" he roared. "I'm as Russian as Queen Victoria. I'll sort ye out with a Glasgow kiss, mate, uh, I mean, comrade."