The Kremlin’s substantial military might is now focused on ‘gerrymandering’ the prestigious, ‘pan-sexual’ music competition by coercing other nations who have consistently qualified for Eurovision. Top of their list for Copenhagen 2014 is the Ukraine, who last won in 2004 at the expense of Russia not reaching the final, without any ‘word of thanks’ to President Putin and in a manner that was ever so slightly ‘too sexually ambiguous’ for Russian tastes.
Russian diplomats have also questioned the legitimacy of the phone vote that led to Maria Yaremchuk’s selection as the Ukrainian entry. A spokesman said: ‘It is our duty to protect all Russian speaking peoples and preserve the integrity of the Eurovision selection process. Our tanks are a merely a representation of our commitment to pop, eye-catching costumes and totalitarian regimes’. The recent defection of former Ukrainian naval head, Denis Berezovskiy, is seen as a clear attempt by Russia to gain the support of sailors. Having already alienated the homosexual community, Vladimir Putin knows that he must turn to the second largest Eurovision voting contingent, that of drunken off-shore seaman.
Founded in 1956, the Eurovision Song Contest is seen as the last relic of the Cold War conflict – and while there have been no ‘official’ causalities, the cost in music and fashion has been incalculable. Although Russia holds the record for the most top five finishes in the 21st century, their last victory was in 2008, which has led to much civil unrest in Moscow. A shambolic 16th place in 2011 generated a backlash of regressive laws targeting ‘gay rights’, the removal of ABBA’s statue in Red Square and the burning of 10,000 copies of Terry Wogan’s autobiography.
Russia has sent numerous ultimatums to the beleaguered Ukrainian army reminding them of their numerical inferiority and the fact that pop duo t.A.T.u. (2003) are officially the ‘only acceptable’ form of homosexual display permitted in former Soviet countries. Meanwhile Ms. Yaremchuk's song, ‘Tick Tock’, is a none-too-subtle reminder of the nuclear deterrent pointing their way. Unsurprisingly Ms. Yaremchuk has already ruled out a foolhardy rendition of ‘edelweiss’, dressed as Elton John while wearing a flak jacket.