As the Crimea threatens to turn into a global military adventure, Britain’s armed forces have revealed their latest scientific advance.
“Britain is still a world leader in military technology”, said Philip Hammond, apparently Britain’s Defence Secretary. “During WW2 we invented computers, radar, printed circuit boards – the list goes on. Now we’re bringing the same inventive genius to bear at a time of world crisis, by releasing Churchill’s war speeches as PowerPoint presentations.
“Rather than a solitary leader inspiring the nation through radio, we can now deploy hundreds of middle managers in shiny suits to convey the same message, only much more effectively because the speeches all have cute transitions and specially commissioned clip art.
“We could have won the war two years earlier if we’d had this technology in 1940. Churchill had to rely on the power of words alone; by harnessing the power of clip art and different fonts we can transform his mere words into something transcendent. Which is better? This version . . .
we shall fight on the seas and oceans, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall defend our Island, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender
Or this one . . .
We shall fight in the following locations :
• seas and oceans
• landing grounds
. . . followed by the word ‘surrender' crossed out, possibly with a sad face?
Culture Secretary Maria Miller has shown an interest in extending the programme to include Shakespeare’s plays. “Hamlet’s soliloquy takes almost 7 minutes to recite, but would only require a single PowerPoint slide”, she told an enthusiastic group of drama critics. “This could transform the way we consume Shakespeare”.