Fed up with having to deal with lazy, feckless, inefficient and often sick NHS workers, the UK Health Secretary has introduced a trial of contactless healthcare which does away entirely with the need for any physical presence. Just like an oyster card, your new NHS care card can be topped up with platitudes and sound bites ready to be deployed at any time you feel a touch of one day flu coming on.
Developed as a joint venture between CAPITA and ARUP, the new system will be run from a new purpose built data centre in Basingstoke called CRAPITUP saving billions a year in missed appointments.
Many in the NHS are still unaware of the impending changes and what it means for them, yet they will be some of the first to use it. When the system is rolled out nationally many will be made redundant and likely need treatment for boredom.
Critics say that the Government is not listening to the people, but Mr Hunt refutes this saying ‘of course we are listening, and caring. We listen to everything, and then we put it in a big computer we call care.data. The clue’s in the name - we care about your data because we can sell it’.
If the technology is a success Mr Hunt will not have to shake the hand of the Chief Secretary to the Treasury ever again.