Coldplay’s Chris Martin has declared his intention to sue his own former self over plagiarism, having noticed a ‘striking and disconcerting resemblance’ between everything he’s ever written and everything else he’s ever written.
‘It’s a striking case’ Martin’s lawyer claims, ‘perhaps the first time we’ve ever seen such a large and widespread case of plagiarism. My client will be both aggressively attempting to bring himself to justice and fighting relentlessly to defend his honor. Considering his cliched and craven lyric’s, the emotional complexity and weight of the case must surely strike us all as ironic.’
The case appears strong to outsiders, many of whom claim to be literally unable to distinguish between many of the songs offered up as evidence, express wonder at how Martin has ‘snuck this passed us all’ for so long.
‘I’m rather starting to lose my faith in the record buying public as sophisticated and deeply discerning music critics’ one devastated fuckwit commented.
Martin hasn’t stopped there, however, also declaring plans to sue fellow artist Bon Iver for retrospectively stealing the sound of their brand new track ‘Midnight’ and using it on both of their albums, released in 2007 and 2011.
‘In all honesty’ Martin said, ‘it’s not just the fact they [Bon Iver] nicked our sound, it’s that they went and mangled it up, putting all these bloomin’ interesting bits in that made it less bland. It’s like someone stealing your baby and foisting a bleeping ‘personality’ on to it. Just…cruel.’
Whist clearly an egregious act on Bon Iver’s part, it’s hardly a new story for Martin, having previously had his work retrospectively plagiarised repeated by Irish rockers U2, German electro act Kraftwerk, and deceased crooner Jeff Buckley, who was never brought to justice for his crimes, having died several years before Coldplay formed.
‘It still hurts now to hear 'Grace' and realise that no one will ever know that I was the one who came up with it.’ Martin stated, weeping, obviously. 'It almost makes me wish the guy had never died!'
In an even further twist today, Shia Lebouf has become involved, pledging to sue Martin over claims Martin stole the idea of plagiarising everyone from him.
Just a few days into proceedings, four judges have already been appointed to handle the case and dropped out, each either having a nervous breakdown or putting their heads in a turbo-powered microwave.