David Cameron has instructed the Scots to ‘decommission’ the Glaswegian accent before any further steps are taken on Scottish independence.
“Whilst it isn’t exactly a WMD, the Glasgow accent is clearly an offensive weapon”, he explained. “We wouldn’t want it getting into the wrong hands. Well, it’s obviously in the wrong hands now – have you been to Paisley? – but you know what I mean”.
Insiders have suggested that Scotland might have its own version of the Good Friday Agreement, in which murderers are given ‘Get Out of Jail Free’ cards by the government in exchange for, erm, getting out of jail free. However, the Americans haven't told HMG what to do yet, so this decision is pending.