Reform candidate stands down after Cleese accusation
A Reform candidate for the Welsh Sennedd elections has stood down after photographs of him throwing a Nazi salute and holding a comb over his top lip emerged. 'At first I was accused of imitating Hitler and I thought 'cool', Nigel will approve,' he said today. He decided imitating Hitler was OK as 'everybody I know does that, plus it didn't do Prince Harry any harm, did it?' However, it transpires that the media are comparing him to John Cleese. 'That's beyond the pale, eve
Iran asks: Is Trump using confusion tactics?
'The US President says he wants peace but is sending 10,000 troops to the war zone,' said a perplexed spokes-skeleton for the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corpse. 'He says he's negotiating with an Iranian leader who calls the shots, but says his interlocutor will be shot if he's caught negotiating with him. 'And Trump says he wants to bomb all our energy plants and be Iran's worst nightmare, but then says he's kindly giving us 10 days before doing it. 'Is he saying all this to
Trump backs down on claim he's omnipotent
'I went into the war against Iran believing the regime's leaders would immediately bend to my will, because I'm omnipotent,' boasted a puffed up Donald Trump. 'Weeks went by and they still weren't 'crying uncle'. They were calling me a demented old fool. But all those Tomahawks and suchlike we fired off showed that I'm potent. 'Now Iran's closed the Strait of Hormuz, and I am totally powerless to get it open again without caving into all of its demands. 'So we'll be whittli
The old English tradition of Mandy Thursday
Mandy Thursday, also known as the Festival of St. Peter, has been celebrated in England since 1985, when Peter Mandelson was first appointed to a government post. That’s right – over 40 years ago! Mandy comes from the Latin word mandatum , meaning give me all your money. The Holy day is usually celebrated in London by the distribution of Mandy Money. Originally, Mandy Money was given out as special coins by the monarch, but more recently Mandy Money has been handed out as
More Epstein files released to distract from Iran
President Donald Trump is set to release a new tranche of documents from the Epstein files this week to distract the public from the war in Iran, which he initially started to distract the public from the Epstein files. Despite their incriminating nature, including one image allegedly showing the President floating in Epstein's pool on an inflatable banana, it's hoped the latest release will bump the Middle Eastern blunders off the front pages, at least for a few days. Speaki
That was a tough round of Gulf, admits Trump
'I thought I'd go for a round in that Persian Gulf,' Trump told a collection of attentive tee pegs. 'But boy, was it hard. Too many water hazards and sand traps. I gave it my best shot - about 15,000 shots with Tomahawk missiles and such like, but I just ended up getting stuck in the rough. 'I guess I'll have to do what I always do when I'm losing - pick up my ball and walk away, saying I won. I'll put it down on my scorecard as twelve under par. 'From now on, I'll be play
Trump making peace deal with his imaginary Iranian friend
'I've been holding talks with a high level Iranian, the very highest," Donald Trump told worried-looking reporters on the South Lawn of the White House. 'I call him Kebab. He agrees with everything I say, so we'll have a peace deal soon with Iran handing over all its oil and its nuclear fuel and letting me build a casino on the Persian Gulf. 'I'll be calling it the Trump Hormuz, in honour of my great victory there." Iran has said that in the real world no member of its govern
'Hatzolah? I thought it was Hezbollah!' says Netanyahu
Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu apologised today for the destruction of four ambulances in north London. The ambulances belonged to Hatzolah, a voluntary organisation that provides healthcare services for the local Jewish community. Unfortunately, it’s thought the IDF’s intelligence division confused them with Hezbollah. Netanyahu has apologised for the mistake, though he also pointed out that by the standards of IDF precision strikes, hitting London instead of Leba
NewsBiscuit Exclusive: The Trump False Flag Operation before it happens
Predicted to be one of the worst false flag operations in an already packed field of despicable actions, a big, beautiful “terrorist” incident will be manufactured later this year. Codenamed: Operation Justify The War. Expectations are low, and they will be barely met. A newly insured Trump Tower will have a newly insured Trump plane crash into it, really original. Never Forget Trump Tower merchandise will be available the day before in the Trump Store. A load of TrumpCoin wi
Crew of HMS Sitting Duck terrified they'll be sent to Gulf
"The PM's being badgered constantly by Donald Trump to send a warship to the Strait of Hormuz," said Commander John Doomed, skipper of the minesweeper Sitting Duck. "We're all worried that one day soon he'll buckle under the pressure and send us, since we're the only boat on hand in Portsmouth Harbour bigger than a fishing smack. "I shouldn't say this," continued the captain, sailing his vessel under a ladder, "but this has always been an unlucky ship - ever since the day we
