Wake at 4 am to do exercises. One thousand press ups and a million burpees. Wave briefly at cheering crowd from balcony. They love me so much.
Servant brings breakfast, bacon slightly overdone. Have chef executed.
Call head of nuclear programme into my chamber to tell him about the research I have been conducting. Show him the website I discovered ‘A dummy’s guide to making a nuclear bomb’. He says it is cartoon joke. I laugh and then have him executed.
Off to talk to members of the opposition movement. They don’t say much other than ‘Please just kill me’ whilst they are being tortured. They have realised the error of their ways.
Tell secretary to get me President O’Bama on the phone so I can advise him of the imminent destruction of the Western World. O’Bama has little to say against my powerful rhetoric. I make joke to secretary afterwards that O’Bama is beginning to sound Korean. She laughs hysterically at my superb humour. I make her head of nuclear programme.
Evening run before bed. Run mile in 2 minutes and 59 seconds. The three minute barrier is broken! I will make tomorrow national holiday.
Wave to crowds before retiring. Their response seems insufficiently enthusiastic. I have them all executed.
Kim Jong Un was talking to journalist Song Kim Jeul (executed)