Following pressure from solicitors acting for Farcebook, and in a move set to stun the global film industry, the governing body of the ancient, and increasingly outmoded and controversial, ritual known as "Oscar Nominating" has agreed to review the secretive process which leads to the annual display of self congratulatory fawning and intimate exposures of "winners" and the full-frontal fixed grins of "non-losers". Their move has been timed to perfection as the process, in which poor innocent film industry members, known as "Actors" and "Hangers-on", are publicly "Nominated" anonymously by their mysterious but highly precious group of "Fixers", "Moguls" and "Insiders", draws towards its annual climax this weekend.
The process, believed to have its roots in Roman Catholic papal selection methodology, has been dubbed "stoopid and dangerous" by the "Hollywood Collective of Latter-day Losers" known colloquially as "The Lonely Luvvies". It will culminate on Sunday evening with its usual lavish ceremony during which the "best" are subjected to suffer the most appalling ritualistic humiliation, being forced into attempting to string a few novel and imaginative words together whilst denying any fore-knowledge of their chances of "winning". This has, traditionally, taken place in public and, increasingly before a disinterested global TV audience of billions and on the world wide web in front of some spotty teenagers. Worse still, non-losers are often seen, forced by shady "sponsors" in suits, to remain seated during the entire performance, attracting close-ups of their guilt-racked, scrawny frames, draped in on-loan haute-couture, and to adopt painful fixed grins, as endoscopic cameras threaten to explore the deepest recesses of their nostrils. Until now the event has been thought to have had a dreadful polarising effect amongst winners and non-losers but has, at last, been acknowledged as serving merely to isolate some aspiring but dim and untalented starlets and "nice young men". In the ladies loo, one heartbroken and tearful nice young man was overheard to remark through clenched teeth" I can't take it any more. My life has become, like, no longer worth living for, at this time".
However, good news is afoot for these sad victims of an industry gone bad; all this madness seems all set to change from next year following pressure from within its own ranks. From next year, the "governing body" will introduce a simple code of practice aimed at simple blandness and will nominate "everyone and no-one at all". Instead, they'll all go to the bar and have a jar. When they awake the following morning it will all have been a bad dream! The world waits with baited breasts... Er, ..... I mean... Breath!
Don't Miss Next Week's Exciting Episode. More Swoons.