David Cameron will today announce plans for Chav devolution. An insider told us “we’re not offering full independence yet, like the Scots are getting. It will be more like the Welsh model, where they’ll have a nice building to meet in but no actual power. Maybe we’ll let them hold an annual eisteddfod to celebrate Chav culture, whatever the hell that might look like – pissed bingo, probably.
“We haven’t decided where to locate the Chavs yet. Ironically, Scotland and Wales have a fair few, so one of the options is an abandoned coal mine in South Wales or a Scottish island. That’s one of the reasons for raising it now – if we wait till the Scots have independence they might not let us partition Scotland to house these people. It’s the same reason we’re accelerating our nuclear programme. Another option is to do a swap with Northern Ireland – swap our Chavs for their Unionists, and then hand the lot over to the Irish. Dave reckons they’ll be used to handling binge-drinking layabouts".
One of the challenges facing the Cameron government is the lack of any clear definition of ‘chav’. A recent poll among Conservative leaders showed that 80% thought a chav was “anybody who uses buses”, while 15% ticked the box labelled “chavs are a separate ethnic group and should be returned to Chavistan or whatever it’s called”.
"With the Scots, the Welsh and the Chavs out of the way, we'll just have immigrants and badgers to deal with, and then England will be ours again", said the spokesman.
Chavs are thought to cost the UK Government £21 trillion pa, so the economic advantages of separation are clear.