Liberal Democratic leader and deputy prime minister Nick Clegg today congratulated the England football team on its emphatic victory, in terms of ball possession, over the German national team.
“If the score had reflected the way in which our team commanded a 60% possession of the ball over the poor 40% achieved by the Germans then a 6:4 or 60:40 victory – or even higher perhaps 6000:4000 – victory would have been achieved, and we would have been outright winners. But because of the negative impact of the first-through the post system we appear to have lost by margin ever greater than before, and that must be the final nail in the coffin of this out-dated scoring system.”
Former Labour party figures such as Lord Mandelson and Alastair Campbell were also quick to congratulate England on its victory, adding that the small matter of the defeat in relation to goals scored was an unfair indication of ball possession and they insisted that some form of league table must be established which assesses performance on more representative factors such as the number of players wearing short trousers or the summation of the team’s numbers worn on its shirts.
“Many of the German players had extremely long and complicated names” commented Lord Mandelson “And ignoring this in the scoring process means there is no consideration of Co2 generated during the pre-match activities such as programme printing and shirt name production which affects negatively the relatively short named English players but imposes no penalty on the long-named eastern European players who appear to be able to use-up gallons of ink and fabric without any thought to the environmental impact.”
Lord Mandelson was asked to further outline his thoughts on how the environmental impact of how raw football scores and players' names could be integrated into an overall moderated score to be agreed by the European Court and then be ratified by the United Nations before an overall score which awarded the title to the USA, but did not have time to do this immediately because his private jet costs a fortune to keep waiting.