Writing on the wall as sales of Trump 2026 kitchen calendar stall bigly
Reports emerging today suggest sales of the President Donald J Trump 2026 Calendar are 'sluggish', seemingly, with many dyed-in-the-wool MAGA cult members unwilling to make a date with it. Cletus Abernathy from Bona Venture Arkansas, who describes himself as a part-time, moronic and clueless village idiot, is one such devotee unwilling to part with the cool $2500 asking price. Speaking to Fox News he said: 'Mary Lou, my good lady, done told me she wanted a copy but I refused
Deported migrant got more than £500
Border Force officials are pleased to see the back of an asylum seeker finally deported to Ethiopia today. The press are reporting that the man was paid £500 so that he wouldn't make a fuss. Insiders say that he got a lot more than £500. Our source said, 'That man was an ace negotiator. He was relentless. He asked for, and received, all kinds of amazing stuff. 'He got a signed photograph of Sir Mark Rowley, head of the Met Police, so that he could show his family who had lost
Government miss 1.5million housing target by 1.6million
Nothing could hide the government's embarrassment, when they discovered they had less houses then when they started. The Minister explained. "Once we'd factored in all the repossessions and accidently demolishing a few, it turns out were missing around 100,000 – it's possible they might have ended up as landfill. "Coupled with the PM's houses being set on fire by Ukrainian male escorts – all whom Sir Keir has no knowledge of whatsoever, I cannot emphasize that enough. Once th
Farage: not enough racists in our adverts, these days
Leader of Reform UK, Nigel Farage, today attempted to double down on Reform MP Sarah Pochin's comments where she complained about adverts being 'full' of black and Asian people. "Well, I think she's right", he told reporters, "and it's plain to see that in every advert on British telly, these days. And if that is the case, where are the good old fashioned British racists in these adverts. If we have a mixed heritage family sharing a Domino's pizza in the park, I want to see a
Porridge reboot planned
TV executives are excited about a planned reboot of the iconic prison-based sitcom Porridge. They say that the format is even more relevant in 2025 and can include themes of spending cuts, early prisoner releases, and administrative incompetence. There is no news on casting, but we have obtained a first draft of the opening monologue: ‘Norman Stanley Kebatu, you have pleaded guilty to the charges brought by this court, and it is now my duty to pass sentence. You are an habi
Defendants claim President Macron is really a lowland gorilla
Ten people have gone on trial in Paris this week for claiming that the French President Emmanuel Macron is really a lowland silverback gorilla. Conspiracy theorists point to the bushiness of his opposable thumbs and the thickness of his eyebrows. A video of Macron using a straw to scrape out a yoghurt pot went viral after people said it was just like the famous video filmed by the late naturalist Jane Goodall which showed a silverback using a blade of grass to scoop out ants
One in, one out policy doesn’t apply to animals
The Home Office has confirmed that the one in, one out policy for asylum seekers will not apply to animals. A recent test case involved a foreign asylum seeker called Noah, who arrived in a small boat with lots of animals. Two of each kind of animal, in fact. Officials considered deporting some of the animals under the one in, one out policy, but lawyers advised that this could be considered inhumane. They considered deporting Noah, but they didn’t fancy looking after all th
Met Police hold victory parade after capturing Kebatu
"We managed to find a wrongly released prisoner who was hanging around in plain sight without shooting him, or stamping on his head and then covering it up by fabricating witness statements," boasted a spokes-Taser for the Met Police. "That's why we're organising a victory parade for ourselves from Chelmsford to Finsbury Park, handing out the Hadush Kebatu Victory Medal to everyone involved in the complex task of tracking him down when he had told us where he was. "We can be
Home Office announces new 5 Star Migrant Hotel experience
Home officials have announced that whilst most migrant hotels will close over the coming months, a new 5 Star migrant hotel experience will be available for 'our most special guests'. "Whilst we are trying to shift focus away from the political and actual cost of the small boats", said Jez Danworth, a home office spokesperson, "we are today announcing a service for migrants that come across on massive boats with significantly more resources than those that came before." Mr Da
GB News to live stream small boat crossings
So-called news channel GB News is to live stream the arrival of asylum seekers at Dover in small boats. This second news channel, provisionally titled The English Channel, will broadcast live 24/7 and will supply highlights to the news channel. Refugee charities have agreed to allow cameras on their boats, to show the appalling conditions in which asylum seekers cross. 'It was a difficult call,' said the charities' spokesman. 'We know that Reform has a different agenda, but w
