The Conservative Party has decided to rebrand itself as 'The Workers Party,' following poor opinion poll ratings among low-waged workers in marginal constituencies.
They have also been urged by constituency MPs to replace the party's logo - currently a green tree - because it no longer reflects the party's aspirations and the leader's determination to 'get rid of all this green crap.'
A backbencher has suggested adopting a boot as the party's new symbol, to suggest sympathy with hardworking Brits who, as a consequence of the global economic crisis of 2008, have had to show resilience and fortitude by pulling themselves up by their bootstraps. However, a graphic design consultancy asked to submit some preliminary images said it was difficult to make the bootstraps stand out in silhouette, and suggested the party might prefer to use the more classic outline of a military jackboot instead.
"Perfect," opined Marjory Spandau, backbench MP and free school history teacher. "Just what we need. It's a tough, no-nonsense image the average worker can relate to, especially warehouse and construction workers who wear boots at work for health and safety reasons. This communicates very strongly that, far from being just a party for the rich, the modern Conservative Party is on the side of the working man or woman."
"There just remains the problem of UKIP taking votes off us with its appeal to nationalism and closed borders, and the worry that Labour might be winning back popular support by offering an alternative that looks a little bit more like socialism than anything it has offered in over 20 years. While we're re-branding the party we could kill another two birds with the same stone by adding the words 'National' and 'Socialist' to the name. If we call ourselves the National Socialist Workers' Party we could become an almost unstoppable force in European politics, extending our reach far beyond these British Isles."
Backbench MP Nigel Corduroy said "We could go further, of course. We have long been envious of the hardworking example of the German worker, which British workers would do well to emulate if Britain is not to be left behind in a very competitive global economy. We could insinuate ourselves into voters' imaginations as the National Socialist German Workers' Party. That's got to inspire people."
The re-branding is in its early stages yet, but sources suggest the jackboot logo is to be unveiled with a new slogan outlining the Conservative Party's vision of the future: "imagine a boot stamping on a human face forever."