Twelve years after he was first charged of indecent assault and sexual assault between 1976 and 2008, disc jockey Dave Lee Travis has finally been cleared of all charges. The first trial was in 2014, the retrial in 2015. The case then went before the Criminal Cases Review Commission in 2017 and subsequently to the Court of Appeal in 2019 and the Supreme Court in 2021. Next came the European Court of Justice in 2023 and finally this year the case has been before the newly formed Worldwide Arbitration Nominal Court (WANC), which is the supreme International Court beyond which there is no further right of appeal.
The whole legal case is thought to have cost £1billion of British taxpayers money. However, a spokesman from the Crown Persecution Service maintained that this was "Worth every penny if it stops just one more teenage girl from being goosed by a bearded buffoon".
Travis, who has just turned 80, appeared outside the courtroom in Strasbourg and made the following statement: "I can't tell you how relieved and delighted I am that I have finally been exonerated of all charges. When I said back in 2014 that 'I just hope that it's going to end by the time I'm 80' I really thought I was joking. Still - better late than never. At last I can get on with my life. I'm looking forward to taking up a job offer as DJ with Saga FM in their late night 6 to 9pm slot sponsored by Horlicks. In a nod to geriatric digestive disorders, I will henceforth be known as the hairy branflake."
Travis then turned to his defence solicitor, Ms Trudy Fillingham, grasped an ample breast in each hand and jiggled them in a celebratory manner, whilst yelling "wheheyyyyyyy! thanks luv! I can now do this to my heart's content!"