The fugitive Ukranian premier Viktor Yanukovich has emerged as the manager of a branch of Carphone Warehouse at the Arndale Centre, Accrington. Branch salesperson Greg Mottram said "I turned up this morning and there was no sign of Debbie, the regular manager, just this Yanukovich bloke. when I asked where Debbie was, I was told she'd been sent into "internal exile". When I asked where to, I was told Rochdale which, you know, is a bit harsh."
Another employee, Naz Rafiq said "When I went into the managers office the desk was gone and had been replaced by a diamond encrusted jacuzzi and there were two gold-painted ocelots prowling around. Instead of holding the morning sales meeting, Mr Yanukovich was sat, swigging vodka on a human throne consisting of Phil and Darren from tariffs and was and chucking jewellery and money at Dawn and Beverley from accounts, who were foxy- boxing for him."
Greg Mottram continues "Me and Naz were going to complain to the regional office but Mr Yanukovich had formed a power bloc with Phil, Darren, Dawn and Beverly and ousted us. Last thing I saw as I was forced out of the shop by dogs and water cannon, my job had been taken by Mr Yanukovich's nephew."
Late last night there were emotional scenes as exiled branch manager Debbie Greenhall returned to the Arndale Centre where Mr Mottram and Mr Rafiq had been holding a candlelit vigil for her outside Clintons Cards. On re-entering the shop, Mr Yanukovich was found to have fled, although latest reports suggest that he has only moved two doors down to Greggs The Bakers, where he is fomenting discord among the pasties.