National treasure, Mary Berry, is said to be delighted today following an announcement by Buckingham Place that she is to be drafted into the Royal Family as a replacement for the Queen Mum.
"Mary is just the sort of person that we need in our ranks to keep this new found popularity we've been enjoying recently jogging along", said His Royal Highness The Duke of Cambridge, munching a large slice of Victoria Sponge during a walkabout in Scunthorpe earlier today. "She's nice and is loved by one and all, and I have it on very good authority that she's a dab hand at pulling little golden curtain cords and snipping ribbons too," added the future monarch licking cream off his fingers.
Berry's appointment brings to an end speculation that perhaps after all this time the Royals were going to leave the post of nation's favourite Nana vacant. But royal watcher, Crambourne de Villers, says it was never an option. "To leave such a key post vacant is a bad move and in my view a fundamental flaw. The simple man and his wife have missed the opportunity of saying 'Gawd bless 'er' for some years since the Queen Mum passed away, and now that Mary is in the team as it were, it means that this simple pleasure has been given back to them as they starve in their inner-city tower block trying to eke out their own miserable existences in the freezing cold."
Mary herself lost no time getting into the swing of the role as she faced the press and public on Horse Guards Parade following the announcement. She waved regally to the crowd and her warm smile twinkled and glittered just like she'd been doing it all her life. Husband and wife couple Jim and Ena Pox, noses pressed against the railings and dressed in bin bags and odd rags, sobbed with pure joy after sprightly Mary handed each of them a tiny slither of Lemon Drizzle Cake before passing through the gates of Buckingham Place to enjoy a slap-up dinner of Swan Pie.
"I tell yer what, Mary's a proper diamond," sobbed Jim, choking down crumbs of cake before adding, "Gawd bless'er!"