Following passengers calling police to be released from a delayed Ryanair plane after 11 hours without water or food, Home Secretary Theresa May has announced that the “no frills” air carrier has been selected to run detention centres for would-be migrants to the UK.
“Prison ships are sooooo last century” said Ms May. “A near-eternity on the tarmac at Stansted waiting for their case to be processed, without the benefits of expensive 'frills' like water, should deter lots of these foreigners. And it will save HMG lots of cash – especially if we can book the tickets far enough in advance. Plus, if their application to stay in the UK is refused, Ryanair can then fly them straight back home, or at least to a portakabin in a field a days' drive away.”
A spokesperson for the Refugee Council condemned the move as “cruel and unusual punishment”, while adding that it was unlikely to deter many migrants as “having often travelled to the UK crammed into the backs of lorries crossing the Sahara desert, they have learnt to cope with these conditions”. In contrast, Ryanair’s Michael O’Leary was said to be “delighted” at the decision, and added that they were also hoping to branch out into the transport of veal calves to France.