The extreme housework ice discipline of curling was rocked by controversy today, after accusations that the Norwegians had used illegal trouser tactics.
Recent speculation regarding the Norwegian curling team's unorthodox pantage has culminated in an investigation into ball, or 'stone' tampering. Sochi is rife with speculation that the Norwegians may have been shining the stones in their crotches to 'improve performance'. Scientists have confirmed that the violent spectrum of the trouser cloth may impart resonant properties on the structure of solid matter, such as the stones, the ice surface and the brains of the judges.
Sochi officials have revealed that the competition may have more than one team bending the rules. The Italian team quietly withdrew early in the competition after officials caught one of the sweepers drizzling a balsamic reduction onto the ice. Meanwhile, Canadian gold medals are under review after teeth marks were found in the winning stones.