Commentators at the Winter Olympics admitted last night they had absolutely no idea what the elusive sport of curling was all about.
Sue Barker said: "despite commentating on the last five Winter Olympics in succession, I am no closer to understanding the dark arts of curling today than I was 20 years ago. There's lots of scrubbing. Does whoever scrubs the hardest win?? Who knows?"
Another BBC commentator confessed that he understood neither the object of the game nor the rules underpinning it. "It's something to do with what looks like a giant puck" he explained, wrinkling his eyebrows in concentration. "And this puck is pushed gently towards the other end of what looks like a bowling alley, except it's made of ice. And there are no skittles. That's as much as I know".
Spectators seemed equally puzzled by what was unfolding in front of them. "Are they going to stop polishing the ice and start playing already, goddamit" said one American visitor to the games, tossing his SlushPuppie onto the ice in frustration.
While experts say it's impossible to say whether the bemusing rituals of earlier rounds will reach any sort of climax, the International Olympic Committee moved to justify the sports continued inclusion in the Winter Games. A spokesman said: "Curling is a noble sport, involving a ball...sorry puck...and some scrubbers...I, I think that's what they're called. And there's a big target...it's...it's kind of like bowling. But the important thing is, whoever scores the most runs, wins", he said, before hastily leaving the room without taking questions.