Responding to growing criticism that the Environment Agency's flood prevention plans prioritise the homes and lives of millions of city-dwellers for some fields and a few rural villages, David Cameron announced a new plan which should appeal to all.
"We will abandon Portsmouth to the storms and floods, using the money and resources to save some worthless fields near the Thames. We will pump back the water from the fields and the roads, leaving only enough for the residents to finally feel that are their getting their money's worth from their Range Rovers".
As for Portsmouth, it will soon be washed into the city -a policy which even its residents are enthusiastic about. "I will be homeless and penniless," said one, "but I will have a chance to emigrate to a land of wealth and opportunity". Already the ferries to the Isle of Wight are reporting an upsurge of traffic.
When asked as to whether this would result in the death of that national instution, Portsmouth Football Club, Cameron responded "They died three years ago"