Agents representing Eric Pickles have announced that he is now available to apologise to anyone for anything.
In a press release, they said: 'For a nominal charge, Mr Pickles will personally apologise to anyone for whatever has offended them. For instance, if someone bumps into you in the street, you can hire Mr Pickles to say "I apologise unreservedly that someone bumped into you."
'Equally, the person who bumped into you can get him to say "I apologise unreservedly that some idiot got in your way, causing you to bump into them".
'Basically, he will apologise for anything, provided you realise he doesn't mean a word of it.'