Parliamentary Standards Committee wants to see the gift card
The Parliamentary Standards Committee is investigating the gift of five million pounds to Nigel Farage, before he became an MP. ‘We want to see the card,’ said a pale functionary. ‘In our view, the nature of the card, and the sentiments expressed in it, are critical to determining if the gift was personal or tantamount to a political donation. ‘For example, if the card says ‘Happy Birthday Nige! I’ve transferred some birthday money into your Swiss account – go wild!’, then
'Aslan is on the move,' whisper Labour MPs
Labour MPs, led by talking fawn Ed Miliband, are spreading the news that Aslan - the Lion King from across the sea - is coming to save them from calamity. 'It will end the accursed reign of Sir Keir the Boring Semi-Orc,' said one of the Pevensey children on the Labour backbenches. 'For two joyless years, he's been ruling the kingdom of Starmia, which he thought would be a utopia where everything would run perfectly if everyone stuck to the rules. 'His reign hasn't been quite
‘I needed to take a dump’ says Streeting
Health Secretary Wes Streeting insisted he only spent 20 minutes with the Prime Minister at Downing Street yesterday morning because he needed to take a dump. Streeting said the impromptu call was a result of a particularly spicy prawn jalfrezi that had triggered a violent bowel movement soon after leaving the house. ‘Me and a couple of mates stopped off for a few beers on the way home from work and ended up in the local curry house’ said Wes ‘…..it absolutely trashed my insi
Protest voters to back Labour for a laugh?
It's the one thing which could save Labour from election catastrophe, say Britain's political pundits. Yes! Labour could pick up thousands of votes from disillusioned punters casting protest ballots against the nations two dominant parties: Reform UK and the Greens. 'I thought of voting for one of those big parties,' said disillusioned voter Tracey from Clacton. 'But my mate Paul told me that one of them got five million krypto injections from a billionaire, or summat like
One bad apple not spoiling the barrel because the rest are truly rancid
Some newly elected bad apples have barely had time to fester and stink up the place before being forced to resign over being really bad apples. These apples were bitter and disgusting and wouldn’t even have made the grade for a supermarket's own brand cider. The curiously well-funded orchard - where these bad apples are grown - have tried to claim that, despite a few bad apples, the rest of the barrels are unaffected. That is despite the putrid stench caused by all the things
Boris Johnson offers to oversee UK's response to hantavirus
By special NewsBiscuit correspondent dante Britain's former Prime Minister Boris Johnson has announced that he stands ready to return to the country's helm, to help it navigate a future hantavirus pandemic. Speaking from New York, where he was delivering a conference on 10 Downing Street's selection of lavatory paper to a group of executives who paid $10,000 a ticket, the former mayor of London reassured his countrymen that 'if this virus takes off, I am ready to serve once
Reform bots unaware that the election is over
In a scene reminiscent of the Japanese soldiers found defending parts of jungle ten years after the war had ended, Reform bots are still active on social media. They are urging people to vote Starmer out, to call real users disparaging names, and to deny the five million pound bribe thousands of times a second. Experts have reached out to Reform to ask them to rescue their bots. 'They have previous on this. Just last week we've spotted bots urging voters to vote for Reform
Literally no one surprised as Reform councillor sacked
An expedition into the remote Amazon jungle has failed to discover anyone who was surprised by the news that a newly elected Reform councillor has been sacked for past racist tweets. After several weeks in which they didn’t encounter a human soul, the expedition was surprised to come across a village of tribes people who appeared to have had no contact at all with the outside world. However, according to village headman Guaraná, none of them had been at all surprised by the n
Britain needs more Keir Starmer, not less
Addressing the nation the beleaguered PM insisted that he was popular, we just haven't got to know him yet. His failures help to challenge us in a healthy and necessary way. Friendship, after all, cannot flourish unless one party bravely endures the other without encouragement. One day we will thank him for staying. The seismic collapse of the Labour vote is proof positive that his vision is working. His spokeswoman explained, 'Voters have a wonderfully strong reaction to
Those Reform policies in full
With Reform gaining so many seats in the local council elections, we present a guide to the Reform policies that we can all expect to benefit from in the coming months and years. The capital of England to be moved to Thurrock, where the Wetherspoons will become the new Houses of Parliament White vans to be exempted from road tax, and homes from council tax if they fly the Cross of St George ID cards to be scrapped and replaced with signet rings containing biometric informatio
